Confronting the code
by The Great Dane
Summary: Nadia Grell is now available as a romance for female Jedi Consular, a choice I made. Bioware leaves a lot to be desired in the narrative though, so I felt like putting my own words on the romance. The structure is a tiny bit similar to poetry, but I didn't intend for it to be an actual poem. I have not decided if this will remain a onesie yet, it might continue. Rating may change.


_A spark to lit the fuse._

That is what it feels like. She clutches at her heart, but why does it feel like this?

Standing in the doorway, seeing her again for the first time; it almost feels like physical exhaustion. She supports herself with her arm in the doorframe, remains for a moment, to just observe.

Everything is different. And yet, nothing is?

No longer a Padawan. A Jedi, in her own right, she even looks different. Not just her appearance though. She has confidence now, she knew she had it in her, but there is also something else.

There's an emotion Iopewastia thinks she recognises, but she has no name for.

Still the same woman however: Despite a different look; there are still the same tattoos that she had always wanted to run her fingers over. Wait, did she want to do that? Why was this all welling up all of a sudden?

She retreats. 'Compose yourself' she thinks. She had thought of Nadia, that she wanted to find her, but why did it feel differently? Curse her frozen prison. There was never enough time.

* * *

"You sound lonely." It might have sounded rude, but she knew that Vette had not meant it like that. Iopewastia had commented on her interactions with her and Gault, which had led to a conversation about her own companions.

Was she lonely? Qyzen and Felix were with her on Odessen, two of her oldest friends. Even then, she had to admit that, when she went to her empty ship for missions she felt uncomfortable. Life in the alliance was different from how they had been before her capture, and they had different responsibilities now. Qyzen was a leader in his own right and Felix was still finding himself. When she felt sad she meditated like she used to do with Nadia, it helped. Sometimes it helped.

* * *

 _A choking start._

Like an old speeder that has been brought back into use. Nadia fumbles her sentences when they reunite, Iopewastia would have done so too, had she not limited her wordcount deliberately.

They hug. Her heartbeat is irregular. She does feel something similar. The emotion without a name, longing perhaps? Looking into her eyes for just the briefest of moments, she senses a similar experience to her own. It has been a long time.

Nothing is different, and yet everything is.

She is not entirely the same herself either. Her title still lingers; Barsen'thor, it sounds right when Nadia says it. She is not quite the same Jedi, that obtained that title anymore either.

* * *

"Why are you so reluctant to lead us?" It was a private moment when Lana had asked her that.

Iopewastia swallowed before responding. She sensed that no answer would satisfy her. "I just don't want to lead."

"You haven't exactly lead a life geared towards your own needs though."

That hit her for some reason - made her think. All she had when she was little was the force, all she thought she needed was to lead the life that the Jedi code demanded. If it was the will of the force for her to lead, then why did she feel like protesting now?

As the Barsen'thor of the Jedi she had, had a life that she was proud of. She had lead a diplomatic delegation and responded to threats when they happened: Earnest and crudely.

As the commander of the alliance she was engaged in elements she hated. Science, espionage and military matters; all for the sake of preventing the inevitable. Sometimes she felt like she was goading opposing elements into confrontations. This was not conflict resolution such as she thought, that she had been taught.

Was the Jedi code only fulfilling so long as your own secret desires aligned with it? Perhaps that was the pitfall that so many Jedi before her fell into. Was the code just a philosophy in futility?

* * *

 _Engine running._

There was only one way to go now. Perhaps she had not lived by the code for some time and just did not want to admit it, but now she chose to defy it; finally but of her own free will.

Her confession was as honest as she could make it. Nadia listened. Then she smiled.

Their lips touched, it was short and sweet, clumsy. Nadia giggled, then sighed as she leaned into her chest. She could hear her heartbeat too, it was the same. Irregular, excited.

Nadia was right, there had always been something there. Something that Iopewastia did not want to recognise, or perhaps just could not. She had poured her heart and soul into her Padawan and not realised until she found her again how much she had missed the woman that was hidden beneath that title.

No more master, or commander, or Barsen'thor. Now she would just be 'Io.'

"Io," Nadia tastes the nickname, smacking her lips audibly. "Good to know what I will have to moan later," she whispers.

Iopewastia gasps, protests, far too bashfully. Nadia giggled. Again.

Another kiss seals it. Nadia holds her tight for just that moment. This kiss is faster, harsher, new emotions rush through her.

"Dinner at seven," she mutters before releasing the hug. She clutches her hand tightly just once more, before turning back towards the Odessen spaceport and skipping away like a child out of recess.

* * *

"What's with the cheerful grin?" Theron approaches her much later. How long has she been sitting, just observing the Odessen wilderness beneath the spaceport? "Lana told me you were busy, but when I went to get you earlier you were just sitting here."

"Everything is different Theron."

"Huh?"

She shakes her head, smiles, and motions for him to sit next to her.

"I have decided to do something for myself, something that goes against the Jedi code."

"Given your expression I'm assuming that's a good thing? You make it sound like oncoming disaster."

"I think it has been oncoming for some time, or perhaps it arrived a long time ago." She ponders if she truly stops being a Jedi just because she realises she cannot uphold the code strictly.

"Besides," he pauses for a moment, studying her expression first, "some would say you haven't been following that code for some time. Any of the times you have spared your enemies, any other Jedi could have killed them and claimed to uphold the code in the name of righteous justice." She would have never considered that. "In a way, your sense of empathy is a manifestation of your passion, which is something the code would want you to ward yourself against."

"When did you suddenly become a Jedi?" She could not help but grin. She remembered making a similar point when she was following the path of the Jedi as a Padawan.

"Hey, it's my family legacy lady," he laughs, "I studied the damn thing to make sense of myself when I was a kid, get off my back!" His eyes glint with a hint of sadness. She elects not to comment.

"I think you are right," she squeezes his hand before getting up.

"Great," he ponders for a moment, "that is great, isn't it?"

"I have never felt better, take that for what you will," she leaves him to think for himself. He seems to have forgotten what he needed her for anyway.

* * *

 _Setting the pace._

They greet each other casually when they meet at seven. At first neither knows where to start but after Iopewastia takes the initiative to kiss her, they forget to care for awkwardness.

They talk. She was right: Nadia had, had experiences similar to her own, since the capture. Running around the galaxy; making it up as she went along, eventually finding a place to make a base and reconsider her direction.

"I'm happy you found me," she mumbles under her breath as their food arrives. They both wonder how this relationship will work.

"I need time," Iopewastia confess. Nadia nods. "Before seeing you again on Ossus I never had the thought that I would ever… engage myself like this… I'm sorry if I'm slow in the uptake."

"You can have all the time you need," Nadia promises. She thinks for a second, rolling her fork between her fingers. "Engage huh?"

"You know what I mean," she laughs.

They manage to eat in silence, even as their eyes do not leave the other for the entirety of the meal. Eventually they are interrupted by a server bringing a drink from Gault 'for the pretty lady at table 11' thinking he is funny. He is funny. They can hear him grunt somewhere when they ask for two straws.

* * *

They leave together. She asks Nadia to come to her quarters.

"Didn't you want time?" Her concern is honest, although a hopeful glint escapes her smile.

"I'm not ready for… fornication…" Nadia rolls her eyes at her choice of words. "But I would very much like to fall asleep next to you. If you would find that agreeable."

"I find that very _agrreable_ ," she kisses her cheek, "but you really need to stop talking to me like I'm a senator!"

With that they leave together, hand in hand. Time is all they need.

There might have always been something there, but this is a beginning, not a conclusion.


End file.
